I slept on the couch with him every night when it got too bad for him to come up stairs. That said, there were a few nights I just needed a proper bed. The few times I did this, I would awake to him next to me. He willed himself up the stairs, to lay next to me. He could barely walk, but he found his way to me. When I awoke, not only was I pleasantly surprised, I was concerned as to how he got there. Yet in the morning... I would carefully guide him down the stairs never allo

I am really beginning to believe chivalry is dead. Whatever happened to courting? When did men decide they didn't need to chase a woman? Am I that old school? Flowers are that outdated? So is taking a woman to dinner? I don't want to be sexualized or chastised. I will not be compromised. I want to be pursued. Honestly and earnestly. And treated like a lady, even if my language projects differently. Sorry about my sailor mouth. Actions, always speak louder than words. A lot of

Be someone's candle. Be someone's hope; excitement. When they blow you out, know you have just started your journey. With them. You are their biggest wish. So continue on being someone's biggest dreams and best non regret. Be someone's most awesome secret that will come true. Not to worry, it will be just between us, and the lighter that set it all ablaze, which is YOU. Happy birthday to us, and by us, I mean you, and you know who you are. Xoxo, C.

Allow yourself to be someone's struggle, while also being allowing yourself to be theirs. Be someone's hero while faltering. Be someone's safe place while also allowing yourself to seek shelter in their harbor. Life is rough. So is love. Allow yourself to be given the love you deserve. In every struggle? Try to find a victory. And in that victory, remember a shared breath, even if the person doesn't deserve it. For that is the kind of love we all should deserve. People fall

Please read that title with Billy Joel singing it. Except I know he said it was a Saturday at 9. Anyways, I was sitting in my pajamas and robe, no kids, Netflix and chilling. I had just started to watch a true crime documentary. You know, white girl shit. When my home alarm goes off. All three dogs lose their shit, at the same time I was losing mine. I race over to the panel. There's apparently a fire and I am being poisoned by CO2. Really?!? I get a day to myself and this is

Sometimes people damage you. Sometimes it's awful. But yet other times? It's wonderful. In the best way possible. You destroyed me because for once I was shown true love and how I should be treated. You destroyed my opinion on how a relationship should be. I ended up broken and deconstructed because I thought I was whole; until I found you. You made me a priority and feel pretty. You put this puzzle back together again. I wasn't a choice, I was a challenge, but one you enoyed

It is amazing how crazy asking for a helping hand, or for a friend, when in a time of need, can land on beyond deaf ears. Or crazier yet people know you are drowning and just watch. It is even more bat shit crazy when they do see it, lend and give advice on a situation they have never yet encountered and walk away, like they did YOU a favor. So when you dont take their stupid or sage advice because they have no cl ue what you are going through; to the point you ignore it, and

My kids aren't the only great runners in the family. So am I. I am great at running into trouble. I am amazing at running away from problems. I am highly skilled at running away from responsibilities while planted firmed on my couch. I am next level at flat out ignoring problems that need to be resolved and are staring straight at me. That said, I am also becoming more soft with myself in the understanding that achieving one thing a day is still that, an achievement and not a

When he got worse and moved a state over, we would obviously talk a lot more on the phone. We talked all the time to begin with, but as time went on, our chats became different. Obviously the tumor was growing. Our talks became more like a lifeline, for both of us. We were our safe spaces; for each other, in so many different ways. Even if it was just our voices, we needed each other. Plain and simple. He gave me a purpose, and I tried to be his prayer. One which tried to ans

Who finds out that their partner is going to be diagnosed to die on NYE? Who is at the hospital when the doctor says terminal brain cancer on New Years Fucking Eve? Jesus. You couldn't be kicked harder. Stage 4 glioblastoma?!? Oh wait it was us. Or rather you. I couldn't have yelled fuck louder. How do we learn how to let go while holding on? How do you enter a new year when you have been robbed of hope from the previous one? Life is unpredictable. But we must need to be re

It's amazing what a year can do and undo. My kids no longer believe in Santa, I am completely guilty of said offense. They are teenagers and quite frankly I am exhausted of keeping up with this "magic" The late nights of moving that stupid ass Elf and hiding gifts I forget. I can't even remember where my bathroom is. Therefore I guess I killed it. Then yet also what haven't I killed these days?! My kids hope? Spirit? Confidence? The list goes on. What address does that lette

I recently was on a trip with my kids. I wandered into Tiffany's. I literally do not get it. Yet I own many of their pieces. Insert side eye vibes, totally warranted. My kids and I were adequately dressed. No one paid us any mind. Therefore, I saw a set of stairs and figured perhaps that was where I belonged since no one gave me a minute of their time on the lower level . Upon my arrival on the second floor, I was met with a gentleman whom was quick to address the fact that

Not quite my thing. I am more of a "hello" person truth be told. But aren't we all? It's way more fun to meet people than let them go. The novelty of meeting someone is superb. It is a romantic concept really. One where everyone you are introduced to stays, smiles, and strives. They stay perfect and present, and loyal. They stay pretty and polished. They are poetic, and they stay perseverant in their beliefs in the person who is you. But that's not life is it? Life is perfec

As Thanksgiving has once again come and gone I find myself lamentful, but supremely thankful. And yet, I find myself reliving a day that will forever haunt me. Newport was ours. So spending this first trueThanksgiving without you has me remembering a lot. Truth be told I have never forgotten. I am always remembering. Every. single. day. That said... It is jarring to relive that last day because this past Thanksgiving I saw and felt so clearly your love for me, and I for you a

From the time I was a little girl I was a "performer." I would get this step stool thing at my grandmother's house, put on my Annie wig and sing for her dinner guests. Side note, I am tone deaf. None the less, I belted out those lyrics with confidence. I thought I was a super star. As of late? Not so much. My parents always said I was destined to be famous, that said, did they mean like Taylor Swift famous or a Bonnie type famous? Guess time will tell. I am a firm believer th

A person who truly loves you should admire you like a piece of art. They should hang you on a wall and just stare at you and smile. They should love the view, and enjoy every minute. Because they love you, inherently, they enjoy you. They should treasure you. We are all a Mona Lisa. Beautiful to some, horrific to others, none the less, enjoyed and applauded by those who choose to. The people who love you should put you in a frame, and under glass, because they know you deserv

It was in our silence that we shouted for each other. It was in our secrecy we kept our solace. Our laughter is where we located our lives, our love, and our levity. It was in our intimacy for each other that we found intrigue and intelligence. It was always intense, but it was ours, and ours alone Our tribulations? Ours. Our smiles? Ours. Our standards? Ours. Inside jokes? Ours. Our triumphs? Ours. In our silence we found solitude and safety. In our secrets we discovered ou

Grief is love. It is just love that you can no longer give to a place where you so desperately want it to go. Grief is all of that unspent love that ends up gathering in the corners of your eyes, which ends up spilling onto your cheeks at a moments notice. Grief is a map that led you to a destination you didn't want to go to. Grief is a silence you never realized could shout. Grief is the presence of an absence you could never have imagined you would miss. Yet grief is also t

My appetite hasn't been great as of late. A few days back I found chicken kievs at the grocery store, I nearly lost my shit. I haven't been able to find it in years. My mom would make them as a treat. I bought almost every box. As my kids were trick or treating I figured I treat myself in an empty house. I made rice and that delicacy of chicken. Once it was ready I was so excited. The minute I took it out of the oven it fell on the floor spilling out all of that flavored butt

When we are born, we are innocent, and filled with it; purity. It is through the many human conditions we endure that can and often times does steal it away. Birth, Death, Sickness, Relationships. I have lost faith in a lot of different ways, but I also am trying NOT to lose it at the same time. Talk about juxtaposition. I have realized that happiness can show itself as tears of joy and also tears of sorrow. God have I found out these past few years through of all the above s