Sitting With Death.

I've been absent for awhile, and for good reason...

I have lost many people in my life.

A lot are still alive; who ignore me, but that's another story entirely.

And trust me when I say they can go kick rocks, and fuck themselves.

Anyways...

There is someone with whom I have had a very wonderful, yet recently, sad journey with.

On NYE that someone whom I thought I saw my future with, was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.

I wasn't prepared to ring in 2025 like this.

To watch someone suffer in real time not just exhausting; but so extremely sad.

To be a newly minted hospice nurse?

Yeah, not a title I have ever strived to achieve, want, or graduate to, and I have a few degrees.

This was not a role I was trained for, let alone an audition I tried out for, and believe it or not, I used to be on TV!

Bad timing on the joke, but it is true.

Anyways...

To say this has been overwhelming?

An understatement, to put it mildly.

I lost my parents suddenly.

I always had a preconceieved notion that people who know those who are going to die, had a chance to prepare.

That it would be like a peaceful transition of power.

Nope.

Not the case.

Not even close.

What I have now seen is that I have become a witness to seeing someone fall apart before my eyes, and moreover, the realization that there is no amount of love or care that can fix it.

This is a different kind of heartbreak than I am used to.

It's exhausting.

Frustrating.

Infuriating?

Understatement of the year.

I will say that my mother always said never to donate to the heart association because that is how she wanted to die.

Im not going to was on to something.

Anyways...

God has lessons in store for me I didn't want nor need, but alas I guess ones that were felt necessary?

What they were/are?

No fucking clue.

But here we are.

Sitting on a couch, figuring out medications, and hoping I don't fuck this up worse than it already is.

That being said, I solider on and hope for the best; the best that I can possibly hope for.

And what that means is a big ass question mark.

Anyways, just a gentle remember that life can change in an instant.

BUT, I want to share, is that we should never stop losing hope, or faith, or stamina, no matter what bullshit comes our way.

Love is all around when you give it.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and believe that you will get there.

Wherever "there" is, is up to the cosmos but I truly believe is that "there" is somewhere that will end up bright, and full of hope.

Or at least for him I hope it is.

I want to believe 'there' will be full of knowledge and compassion and empathy.

I long to believe that the eventual sadness I may feel will be replaced with smiles, and finally the belief in hope for a better future.

I strive to hope that the tears I am experiencing will be replaced with laughter.

That the questions I ask will be rebuilt by answers.

That the rage I feel over this will be reformed by refuge.

I am trying to be eternally hopeful that the pain I feel will be replaced with peace.

I am not sure what God has in store for me.

But what I can say is that I'm still here.

Showing up for my newly assigned role of hospice nurse.

EXHAUSTED, but committed.

BUT it doesnr mean, I can't go forward with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart.

However, I'm not jumping ship.

I have come to the conclusion that my heart, although WEIGHED DOWN, will not be broken, but instead, temporarily cracked.

And I will continue to take on any challenges the universe wants to bring my way with bravado and some sense of maturity.

So wish me luck.

I will wish the same for you.

I know I'm trying to keep the faith; as should you.

And some days it may look uglier than others but I'm hopeful; so you should be hopeful too.

And some days I may look ugly and confused, but that is ok as well.

We just need to do our best.

So let's fake it till we make it.

XOXO,

C.