Lies And Promised Tomorrows.

It had become too much.

With the kids, their activities, and their commitments; and me being their sole chauffeur, I had to end my tenure as his nurse.

In the past five years my kids have undergone a lot of significant changes, and I knew, and know, even more are to come.

They have endured enough, and I realized I have to look out for them.

I was, and am, their mother.

That doesnt mean that this choice wasn't awful or hard.

But I had to choose my kids, they deserve me more.

I am their Mom.

I love them more than anything.

I wanted to do it all.

Most likely unsuccessfully, if you ask them.

However...

I did, and will continue to try to do it all, on the daily.

Whether they think so or not.

But you can't help everyone when you are drowning.

So I knew, and own the fact that...

Eventually, you need to ask for help.

So I did, and he left.

He didn't want to leave, and I didn't want him to either, but I was bogged down by the growing gravity of the situation.

His needs had to be addressed, and attended to properly, and I was in not the right position to take on the role of his care taker, even if I wanted to, which honestly, I truly did.

But moreover, I needed to be serious with myself, I couldn't handle all that the situation entailed.

So off he went to be cared for by family and a newly minted aide, oh wait, aides.

His family realized within a week of his arrival, how much it takes to take care of him.

I had done it solo with 3 kids for 4 months.

When he left, I said, "this isn't a goodbye, but a see you later."

And I meant it.

I had every intention of going to visit whenever I could.

But quickly it became apparent that I would never be able to see him again because to bear the thought of seeing him and having to leave?

Utter misery for the both of us.

It would be too much for both of us to handle.

And in my heart of hearts, I felt it would throw him into a tailspin; something I did not want, and let me be honest yet once again for the 1,000 time, I didn't want it either.

So that was the beginning of my non "lies."

In fact, my mother didn't tell me how old I was till I was four, because she wanted me to fly on her lap for free to Chicago and Florida which we did often.

Because you see; after age two you had to buy another ticket; and my mother knew fully well I would talk to everyone and anyone who would listen, and moreover regal anything I could think of; including my age; and that would put a stop to a free flight.

THEREFORE, my honesty was halted.

TEMPORARILY.

However, I have never met a challenge that I was not ready to accept.

It's weird how some habits die hard, or perhaps we are just hard wired to inherit them?

Either way...

I have found it is often been my truth telling that gets me into more trouble than my lies.

I am inherently not a liar, no really, it's true. (pun intended).

I have always had the tendency to wear my heart, my thoughts, and my feelings on my sleeve, and that trait tends to get me into trouble more than if I was to tell people non truths.

And what is more crazy than that fact, is the notion that I have found, which is that most people would rather listen to lies than to hear the truth.

That irony is not lost on me.

So back to the other story, once he left, our frequent phone calls started, and it was then that my guilt developed rapidly.

It started by delivering promises to him; ones that I meant to deliver, just not in the correct context he is most likely interpretting them.

The sheer heartbreak of this odd kind of thoughtful and truthful daily deceit has been been breaking my heart into a million pieces.

When he asks where I am, I say I am close, but have some errands to do and will be by later.

In reality, I do have things to do, so that is true, I am just leaving out that I am doing them in a different state, and by later, I mean that it will be much later than he would like or can comprehend.

When he asks when he can come back, I say shortly, and that his new situation is temporary; and well, that is also true.

I just dont include how much longer "the situation" truly has, and my version of shortly is probably longer than he could imagine.

When he asks when the pain will leave, I always tell him in a little while, and that he just needs time for the medicine to kick in, but that I am sorry to see him suffer in the interim.

True as well.

But I know time is fleeting.

His memory is lucid at times, other times confused, and yet others, outright hallucinatory.

He has become increasingly unsteady on his feet, with the falls getting worse.

I feel horrible and heartbroken, because all I want to do is help.

What is devastating me the most is that he has never forgotten about ME.

He has NEVER failed to remember US.

This is the opposite of the Notebook.

A dream reimaginged as a nightmare.

He always remembers OUR story; even if he can't remember what he has for lunch.

That alone brings tears to my eyes.

When he cries over and over again saying he is afraid he is losing me, I always respond that I'm not going anywhere, and yet once again, I am telling the truth.

Sadly, I know he is going somewhere, and that is truly horrific for me to imagine.

In fact, I repeat over and over, that he needs to rest up because we are going on a tropical vacation, somewhere warm and magical.

I explain that he needs to go first on this vacation to make sure that the hotel is ok, and I am careful to follow up with the fact that this is the only place he is going to go without me; but that I will definitely meet him there.

I purposefully don't mention that this hotel is in heaven.

When he's sobbing saying he doesn't know what he was going to do without me, I answer that he will do nothing, because I will always be with him.

I just don't further explain that we will be together, but that it will just be in our hearts.

To choke down tears while answering these questions knowing it will be me that should be asking these questions and panicking, is horrid and scary, and ofcourse totally saddening.

It is one of the hardest things I have had to do up to date.

When he asks if he is dying, I answer that he is just writing a new chapter, in a new book he hasn't read, and follow up with; that can be frightening, so I can only imagine your fear and hesitation at trying something new.

When he asks when he will see me again, I respond that he will see me shortly, because I know he will; while also knowing damn well it won't be in person, it's going to be from above.

The brain tumor has taken over, but someone as sweet as he will always reign over it.

When I say the washing machine is broken he says not to worry, he'll fix it.

He always mentions that he is not sure if he can drive, but always promises to find an Uber to help with whatever needs to be done.

He is amazing like that.

It is because of these things that I can't let myself give in to giving him a more accurate picture of what is truly happening, because I want to give him the final gift of hope, wrapped in love.

When he asks why this is happening to him?

I reply that I don't know why anyone has to go through such agonizing things.

And I mean it, but I follow with the fact that it won't be permanent.

I mean all of it.

But my God is it gut wrenching and filled with tears.

So for you:

So I write this because what I need for you to know, is that I am sorry if my versions of answers/truths come off as misleading, but they are indeed true.

I have NEVER lied to you.

My explanations were never meant to hurt you, they are intended to avoid having you acknowledge the devastating knowledge of what is really happening, in real time, so as to have you not panic, but find peace.

I don't want to let you know you are dying, but instead remind you that you are living and loved.

So I say these things because honestly, I don't want to acknowledge what is happening either.

You see, a piece of me is dying along side of you.

I need for you to know that these affirmations are meant to serve as a source of comfort and love for you.

But now that I think about it, probably mostly, for me.

I can't and don't want to ackowledge the future without you.

So I am planning these vacations, and dinners, to have something to think about, events to be hopeful for.

To have something for myself to look forward to, even though I know damn well none of it will happen.

I may not lie, but I will ackowledge that I can be selfish.

And I will own it.

I want for you to know, and to tell you, that in these confirmations where I was telling you that everything would be ok?

I mean it, but I will admit, it is also selfish because it's meant for the both of us.

For once, I am trying to be your "Captain America" (your favorite superhero) but also I know deep down I am trying to save myself from a future that will leave me by myself.

I am in denial, and that is not just a river in Egypt (I know you'll get that).

I guess you could say that I am trying to save myself from the misery of yet once again being alone; and gaining another angel on an already too long roster of guardians.

Yes, I am sorry I am selfish, but I will own it.

I wish and hope that you can find my responses to your asks and questions in the ways I intended; from the heart, and not as ones that are misguided.

I want for you to see them as ones that are being sincerely curated to create calm.

From the bottom of my heart.

I hope one day you can understand why I doing what I am doing and why I am saying what I am saying.

I am doing all of this for us to find some solace during a time of pain, coupled with the torment of being apart.

And yet once again, I am selfishly doing it for me; because I need to hear these things out loud in a way that sounds positive, and not pessimistic.

So please forgive me.

I am not doing this to fool you, but rather because I am a fool FOR you.

But please do me this favor my sweetie pie; look out for me, always, and forever.

Because that is where you will be.

In my heart, always, and forever.

Thank you for being the gift that is you.

Xoxo, Your Queen of Hearts.