Screaming In Silence.

The past seven months have been loud, and by loud I mean busy, which equates to distracted.

Hospital visits, surgeries, doctors appointments.

I was occupied playing nurse, therapist, chaffeur and cheerleader.

After he passed I left for my trip to the Midwest.

Upon my return I was graciously invited to a graduation party.

But since then I have found myself now sitting alone in silence, and it screams at me with sadness.

The quiet has forced for me to listen to, and acknowledge everything that has happened.

And what that says is dispair and utter heart break.

This journey was like going through a storm.

One which while in it you are in, is like survival mode.

Once that storm passes?

The collateral damage becomes apparent.

You take stock.

Of...

What you have.

What you don't have.

What you can replace, and what you will never see again.

It steals your breath away, and replaces it with utter shock.

It replaces go mode with tears and sadness and horror.

I haven't left my house or my couch.

I don't change out of my pajamas.

I gave up on showering.

I have no appetite.

I hate to cook now.

Yesterday I spent the day rushing back and forth to the bathroom to throw up water and do it quietly as to not worry my kids.

The gravity of everything I have been through is settling in, and it's miserable to watch in review, solo.

Incredibly lonely.

I stare at the TV, or out the window looking for cardinals or bluejays.

I wish I was handling this better, but I can't help it.

But I truly don't think it would be normal to just pop back up like nothing happened.

Let me clarify, if you love and care about them and have wonderful memories it shouldn't.

I know I have to allow myself to feel it.

To relive the good, the bad and the ugly, but also not let the magic get lost in the misery.

You can't rush grief, it's a long process.

Grief is love wrapped in a heavy sweater.

I just find myself wanting to leave winter and get to spring.

Except it's summer.

I want to rip that parka off and get that tshirt on, except its summer.

I need to let myself understand that I just need to chip away at that hurt one day at a time but it's not that easy.

Especially as someone as emotionally charged as myself.

But the truth is, even then, the grief never fully goes away.

Bursting into tears randomly.

Smiling at the happies.

Getting mad.

Thinking about things I need to do but actively avoiding them because I am busy trying to rebuild me.

I have lost my mojo.

Yet when it's ready, I hope it will come back with gusto.

Right now I am just in neutral.

Idiling and taking stock.

I need to be patient and so do my kids.

Mom is having a rough go of it right now, but that is life; and this is reality.

I am deeply mourning.

I feel pathetic and lost.

I just hope my angels in heaven can assist me in working through this, because right now I'm not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel; or at least not through my tears.

In the meantime I need to remember to be gentle with myself, a hell of a lot has happened in these past few months, let alone years.

We don't always need to strong.

Sometimes, our reset and rest will help us win the long race and not have us break down halfway.

I am just trying to look forward to the blessings in store that I hope will replace some of the bad.

So please wish me luck I can certainly use it.

Xoxo,

C