Joy Silenced.

Certain things used to bring me joy and as of late anything I try to do just doesn't spark the joy it did a few mere months ago.

Reading.

Crafting.

Cooking.

I can't listen to music because certain songs make me burst into tears.

I still have only left the couch about 10 times in over two months.

I feel frozen.

People I so wanted to engage with at a store or out in public a few months ago are now fears and not the fun I used to enjoy.

My anxiety through the roof.

I think I am being too hard on myself with my timeline some days with the force of which I want myself to move forward effortlessly without seeing people, sharing my story and crying, and other times not lienent enough, recognizing doordash will do just fine for groceries.

Some days I rage with anger, others crying in to a pillow, and yet others catatonic.

I try forcing laughter and funny stories to try and remember the good times, and those that will come, because too many of them happened.

But I can't force it.

When I think of how I feel, I want to call my mother and apologize to her for being so hard on her the way she reacted when my own dad died.

They were married for 38 years, my relationship was a microcosm compared to that.

I wanted her to pop back up and carry on.

I now see, it does NOT work like that.

And I know now, how horrible it is to wake up every day and know this was real, and he is gone.

There is a difference between the passing of a parent and a partner.

Both require love and devotion, but shown in different ways in their composition.

I didn't get that back then.

I do now.

I think I need to revisit the drawing of expectations of myself and do this whole thing in the reverse of how he did it in real life.

First a wheelchair, then a walker, and then I can train for the race.

I am seeing that I can't expect myself to show up to the marathon without the right practice first.

And right now being glued to my couch is where I think I need to be; as awful and pathetic as I feel about that.

I suppose for me, I need to mourn the loss of your life before I can celebrate it.

In the meantime, I am collecting up the memories to share with the world, but with the understanding that right now?

It has to be about me.

Miss you something awful on this new found journey I find myself on.

I know you always joked that you went to the "CU" (Cynthia University).

I guess I have just enrolled in the TU, so be kind with your grading curve, however I may have to flirt with the Professor.

Love you.

Xoxo,

C.