Tomorrow it will be one year. But truly more like a year and a half. Once he got the diagnosis, it went by very fast. For him, I suppose that was a good thing, for me? Pure agony. But I was distracted by doctors visits, hospital visits, brain surgery and overall just taking care of him. I didn't have time to remember how he made me made my tea every morning. I didn't recall his biweekly runs to Costco to pick up everyone's favorites and gas. His tech expertise. Our weekly lun

He was my safe space. He was my person. He protected me. He was proactive for me. We fell into other like a perfect trap. But not caught; collected. Into each other. He protected me. I never felt lacking. Or wanting. I wasn't scared. If I was scared it was because he would leave. But he never did, he dug in. Meanwhile when the tumor got bigger he was scared I would leave. Yeah, never. He showed up stronger when I felt weak. Perhaps that's why I showed up ten times more than w

Recently the University of Tik Tok has been showing me many videos of people climbing Mt. Everest. First off I will share the following with you. I have done no official research, well because I have no plans EVER, to climb it. That said, it's like 4 months and 100 grand. Did I mention I am deathly afraid of heights? Anyways, these videos I am seeing look like lines to get into the Knicks playoffs except at 8 thousand plus feet on a tightrope. I saw an interview with a dude w

It's been almost a year. A year filled with too much loss, but a year I envision to be replaced with hope. The sadness replaced with smiles. The tradegy replaced with triumph, and the tears replaced with a new trajectory. I have taken a break from life. But I never let it slide away. I just got into my cocoon. While I patiently waited to become a butterfly. I think I am there. Or atleast I hope so. I guess the world will be my judge. Lord knows I have survived worse. I think

You didn't lose me when you actually left. You lost, and left me, well before that. Not sure you were ever there to begin with truth be told. That said... You lost me in your lies. You lost me in your cheating. You lost me when I was in my deepest low. You lost me when I begged for for help, and recieved none. You lost me when I looked to you for hope, and found despair. You lost me when I asked for truth, and found lies. You lost me when I asked to be consoled, but you becam

As a former teacher, and a person who loves the spot light, wink wink, aka hell no; I am awful at public speaking; especially if it includes an emotional matter. So yeah, the irony, insert a sigh. Yesterday, I cried my way through my speech at my Aunts memorial ceremony. Quite frankly I can't believe I said anything; and publicly? Yikes! Again, I don't do public speaking. Nonetheless... I was aptly named after my mother's two sisters. Cynthia and Elizabeth. Or more well kno

I was recently awarded a frequent flyer reward! Jk. The flight was underbooked, henceforth... I got a whole row to myself! Forget business class! All those Aldi carts I paid for and didn't take that quarter back?! Well it was paid forward ten fold. Jesus definitely took the wheel on this one. I might as well have called myself Hugh Hefner; and I get the awkward back to back references. Whatever, get a life. Insert a robe and smoking slippers, and perhaps a cross. Anyways, I a

I may have been an only child, but I was, and have, been blessed with many mothers. My grandmother being the Queen Bee, ofcourse my mother, duh, and my aunts coming in close seconds. Recently I lost 2 out of 3. Luckily I still have one Mama left. My grandmother was the OG. The GOAT. Yet, my Aunt Cindy, my namesake, she was a different kind of special. I will never forget going to a family wedding event when she "styled me." I wore Gauthier pants and she lent me her Theirry Mu

If there is one thing I have learned from my time on Earth, there is a huge difference between stupid and shady. This past year I got to learn that lesson first hand, and I am done excepting stupid as an even exchange for shady and sheisty. Some people are just straight up assholes. They aren't dumb, they are selfish jerks. I will no longer accept the excuse of "they don't know any better." Yes, they do; however they choose not to act accordingly. My eyes are so wide open at

Having attended two too many funerals lately, I have realized how much I have attended alone; solo. Two other deaths I have suffered through; with no closure. No pomp and circumstance. No support. No recogniztion. A pandemic for one and pandemonium for another. Silence and solitary confinement for both. Not the best circumstances for loss. Lies, lonliness, betrayal and blame for one. Abandonment and absence for another. Not the best environment to process grief. These past tw

This past year has found me more and more finding mornings I am not sure I want to face. The mundane and obvious tasks of making dinners and doing chores with little to no help whilst feeling insane? Not exactly enticing. Yeah, so l instead supplement my depression and frustration with Netflix and Tik Tok. Or, the usual calls that someone has forgotten their own life's needs that I need to deliver, (bathing suits, track shoes, etc) while I am still waiting for someone to deli

I need to find a camera crew stat. Not for fame. But to immortalize the crazy funny insanity that is my life. This time for airplane antics, oh wait that would be a majority of my antics, just kidding, I think my life is a so called antic. I have bought, borrowed and begged for many a suitcase on a return flight home, mostly because memorabilia was calling my name, and I love me some vacation merch. This time it was on the way into a trip we were told we were overweight. Inte

Apparently April is the month that brings showers. Mine happen to be within my eyes. May flowers best be on their way. April stole three of the most important women in my life. Two of which were taken within two weeks of each other. My mother was tough, but fair. All that she threw down was deserved, even if perhaps, not the way she delivered it. The same goes for my Aunt and Grandmother. That said, my Grandmother delivered her teachings in Mariboo heels, a silk robe, and se

I have found out the very hard way that people don't like the icks. They like happy, pleasant and joyous. The minute things turn? Yeah not so much. The gavels come out and the judgement weighs in heavy. The people who don't need to be in the trenches with you? Scatter like cockraches when the lights come on. One of my children, who shall remain nameless decided to join me to celebrate the life of my aunt, after whom I am named. They declared we never did anything for Nanie, m

We never get a second chance. But we do get a first chance. With that said, we never get a first chance to make a second impression. Let that sink in. I'll let you walk down the block to pick your brain off the sidewalk after that. Yes, what I just shared was that groundbreaking. I am a nerd. Unfunny. Awkward. Introverted, asshole. I don't like people. Hell, I barely like myself, let's be honest. But I am consistent in the fact that I show up. Day after day. Terrible day afte

When people die we often think of the things we never said to them. More often times than not, I recant the things I did say and did. And I cringe. The things I wish I could take back? Infinite. The stuff I wish I had conveyed differently? Unimaginable. The arguments over stupid shit? Forever and a day. So to the people I have loved and lost, I wish there were many things I could tell you; specifically about taking back the hurtful words I spewed. The anger about the circums

After attending the University of Tik Tok, I am fully convinced the worlds problems can be solved with pool noodles and zip ties. Need a bunker for the apocalypse? Pool noodles and zip ties will get the job done. Need an Easter wreath at the last minute? Pool noodles and zip ties for the win. Stranded on an island? Thank God you visited the Dollar Tree before your plane crashed. Pool noodles and zip ties will get you home. Screw Wilson! Last minute guests coming over? Need a

Yeah no. They don't. It's that simple. If it doesn't affect their life? No. They don't. They can pretend. They can be nice. But unless something directly affects someone? They don't. They don't give a shit. It's not their fault, it's human nature. We care about and protect those we truly love. And if you don't see the care or the love of those around you? Well there is your answer. It's not pleasant, or fun, but neither is reality. Asking people for help, or telling them you

I enjoying cooking and trying new recipes. With 3 kids and no adult enjoying my creations besides me? Shoot me. Like I said my cookbook will be called, 2 out of 3. You would think these people graduated from the CIA and worked for the NYT food review. I say this because... Because only 2 out of 3 kids will eat anything I attempt. To say I have lost the love to feed the masses? Understatement. I despise it. What's for dinner? That is the first thing I get asked. Not how was yo

Remember to let the rain hit your window. Remember to listen to it. Remember to let your scars tell your story and remember to be proud to regale the tales of how you got them. Let your hurt serve to be someone's help. Allow your mess to be someone's magic. Let your smile steer someone's happiness. Lead with love. Be up for an adventure. Say yes. Take chances. Know I will be there, but I may just fall with you instead of catching you. Understand that this is okay. We are both