The first kid was more of a hail Mary. I biologically wasn't supposed to have kids; without medical help that is. But, well you see, I got pregnant a month after our marriage. Legal on the books marriage, with a real adult wedding! I wasn't 16 and knocked up! When I told my parents? They had a response akin to me being 14 and on MTV, if you know, you know. If you want to share good news and be made to feel a failure, I have addresses you can write to. When I shared the news

If you don't know the reference, stop reading here. I am trying to teach my oldest how to drive while not dying of a heart attack in the process. Side note? Not easy. I remember my dad was the pick up guy. He would shuffle the beloved minivan from Jersey to the Big Ol' City to grab his only child. One day, after turning the correct age to get a drivers license, I was tossed the keys; out of nowhere. A teenage girl in a uniform, in NYC. Driving isn't quite my strong suit; but

I have spent this year largely in my own self sequestering. After he died, I felt broken. Like he was another project I couldn't fix. Another failed attempt at something I so eagerly tried, and in the end found myself drowning, with no lifeguard to save me, him, or us. Oddly, when I look back at all of my many jobs, they were all based on helping, with little to no return on my investment. One of which was coincidentally spending my youth as a lifeguard. At one point I had th

What happened to men? Like real actual men? Guys who court you? Flowers, dinners, drinks? When did coupling become grab assing? When did women start having to buy the drinks only for men to show up drink them, get what they want and leave? I absolutely can't deal with the immature men who think they are ready to sit at a table they haven't graduated to. Stick to the kids table. You have no place here. Especially when you were gifted instructions. Best of luck! Not here for it

I am on every DNA registry you can find. I caught the bug and wanted to know what I was. I am 100 percent not italian. My daughter is waiting for this to change. I am, however, 1 percent African. Go figure, that is epic, in my book at least. Every time we order pizza, or visit the one million Italian places to go and eat in New York? Where we live? Yep, still not Italian. Did I live in Italy? Yes. My bad. Yes, still not Italian. Not helpful for that whole we aren't Italian ar

Some people miss their windows. They miss their chances. They are stuck with their choices, and subsequently their realities. They see a good thing, and don't act, but wait. Well if you see something you want and don't act? It will be sold, to another bidder, one whom wanted it more. We are not dolls on shelves, we are women with lives. Your swan song can be just that, your pathetic begs. I am not here to hear your sob story, but for you to prove to me you want to hear mine.

I have forgotten teenage angst. I have forgotten happiness. I have forgotten who I was. I have forgotten what hormones feel like. I have forgotten companionship and friendships. I have forgotten laughter on way too many days. I have forgotten patience, within myself and others. I have forgotten the art of socializing. I don't truly care to leave my house. At times the sadness I feel so overwhelming and heavy; feeling paralyzed by the easiest of tasks that all I can do it sit.

Some days I am just not sure. Not sure how I woke up. Not sure how I am raising three kids mostly by myself. Not sure how I have done all of this alone. Sure, it's not impossible, or even important I suppose. But I need to acknowledgethat it is and has been tough. People live through way worse, and that does not go unnoticed by me. This is no woe is me. That said... I had a partner, and he left. Found another and he too, left. Both for different reasons. Now I am flying truly

My father was never a proponent of propane. That was too easy. And just like him? I like to be difficult. So when we grilled? We grilled. With charcoal. Weber baby. He explained it as an art. Something to be taught and trained in. It wasn't a turn it on and go, it was something to be studied. You have to make sure the coals are evenly distributed and that means you need to have one side higher, because that is where the heat will live, and where you need to start the cooking

My grandmother was the true definition of an enigma wrapped in a riddle. She had many names. Many spellings. But only one personality, charming. She would have been 105 today. Happy birthday to a brand of class the world openly recongnized, and one I fear will never see again. One I grew up with, whilst never understanding the magic I was in the presence of. She was just my grandmother. I grew up knowing a woman who was smart, silly and, savvy. I grew up knowing a matriarch.

Tomorrow it will be one year. But truly more like a year and a half. Once he got the diagnosis, it went by very fast. For him, I suppose that was a good thing, for me? Pure agony. But I was distracted by doctors visits, hospital visits, brain surgery and overall just taking care of him. I didn't have time to remember how he made me made my tea every morning. I didn't recall his biweekly runs to Costco to pick up everyone's favorites and gas. His tech expertise. Our weekly lun

He was my safe space. He was my person. He protected me. He was proactive for me. We fell into other like a perfect trap. But not caught; collected. Into each other. He protected me. I never felt lacking. Or wanting. I wasn't scared. If I was scared it was because he would leave. But he never did, he dug in. Meanwhile when the tumor got bigger he was scared I would leave. Yeah, never. He showed up stronger when I felt weak. Perhaps that's why I showed up ten times more than w

Recently the University of Tik Tok has been showing me many videos of people climbing Mt. Everest. First off I will share the following with you. I have done no official research, well because I have no plans EVER, to climb it. That said, it's like 4 months and 100 grand of your life on a mountain. No dollar tree close?! No Walmart?!? Did I mention I am deathly afraid of heights? Anyways, these videos I am seeing look like lines to get into the Knicks playoffs except at 8 tho

It's been almost a year. A year filled with too much loss, but a year I envision to be replaced with hope. The sadness replaced with smiles. The tradegy replaced with triumph, and the tears replaced with a new trajectory. I have taken a break from life. But I never let it slide away. I just got into my cocoon. While I patiently waited to become a butterfly. I think I am there. Or atleast I hope so. I guess the world will be my judge. Lord knows I have survived worse. I think

You didn't lose me when you actually left. You lost, and left me, well before that. Not sure you were ever there to begin with truth be told. That said... You lost me in your lies. You lost me in your cheating. You lost me when I was in my deepest low. You lost me when I begged for for help, and recieved none. You lost me when I looked to you for hope, and found despair. You lost me when I asked for truth, and found lies. You lost me when I asked to be consoled, but you becam

As a former teacher, and a person who loves the spot light, wink wink, aka hell no; I am awful at public speaking; especially if it includes an emotional matter. So yeah, the irony, insert a sigh. Yesterday, I cried my way through my speech at my Aunts memorial ceremony. Quite frankly I can't believe I said anything; and publicly? Yikes! Again, I don't do public speaking. Nonetheless... I was aptly named after my mother's two sisters. Cynthia and Elizabeth. Or more well kno

I was recently awarded a frequent flyer reward! Jk. The flight was underbooked, henceforth... I got a whole row to myself! Forget business class! All those Aldi carts I paid for and didn't take that quarter back?! Well it was paid forward ten fold. Jesus definitely took the wheel on this one. I might as well have called myself Hugh Hefner; and I get the awkward back to back references. Whatever, get a life. Insert a robe and smoking slippers, and perhaps a cross. Anyways, I a

I may have been an only child, but I was, and have, been blessed with many mothers. My grandmother being the Queen Bee, ofcourse my mother, duh, and my aunts coming in close seconds. Recently I lost 2 out of 3. Luckily I still have one Mama left. My grandmother was the OG. The GOAT. Yet, my Aunt Cindy, my namesake, she was a different kind of special. I will never forget going to a family wedding event when she "styled me." I wore Gauthier pants and she lent me her Theirry Mu

If there is one thing I have learned from my time on Earth, there is a huge difference between stupid and shady. This past year I got to learn that lesson first hand, and I am done excepting stupid as an even exchange for shady and sheisty. Some people are just straight up assholes. They aren't dumb, they are selfish jerks. I will no longer accept the excuse of "they don't know any better." Yes, they do; however they choose not to act accordingly. My eyes are so wide open at

Having attended two too many funerals lately, I have realized how much I have attended alone; solo. Two other deaths I have suffered through; with no closure. No pomp and circumstance. No support. No recogniztion. A pandemic for one and pandemonium for another. Silence and solitary confinement for both. Not the best circumstances for loss. Lies, lonliness, betrayal and blame for one. Abandonment and absence for another. Not the best environment to process grief. These past tw