I recently had an experience with one of my kids in the ER. It brought back one of the worst ER experiences I had ever had. The first? My mother being put in a room across from the place where he, and he being my father, had been put dead, not even 3 months prior. This experience was different. He was in the hallway of the ER when we were told he had inoperable terminal brain cancer. If you could have taken a nine iron to my chest? Go for it Here we were, the nicest guy ever,

What is love? What is trust? What is hope? What does it mean to be alone? Can you be alone amongst people? Answer? Yes. What does it mean to have hope? For a future? What is a future? What does future even mean? Does a future mean smiles or disappointment? Success or failure? Why do we look towards a complete unknown, with hope, or do we? I would like to think that we do... Because I would like to think we believe in humanity. Or atleast I would hope so. Put that in your rack

I have had an empty dance card for a while now. I don't know how people do "loss." After so long, and yet so short of a tenure of lonely, I dont know how people can wake up and go on after 20, 30, 40, 50 plus years. I am nearing on 2 without a 'partner.' I can't imagine the lonely of that kind of loss that comes with a truly long relationship. I am off this weekend to attend a wedding with an empty dance card, and by myself. Hans. Solo. No plus one. No date, and knowing virtu

Incontinence issues. A fact of life for a woman of my age. Today however, that statement rang very differently. I was in the bank, at or with the cashier, whatever version you want to paint, when the cops showed up, because there had been an alarm that the bank was being held up. Again, let me take you back to where I was stationed, at the cashier... I wish I had been wearing depends, because I nearly shit my pants. The cashier looked at me, and I at her in horror. I had no p

I recently read something that hit hard. It was a quote that said, "I didn't walk away to teach people a lesson, I walked away because I learned mine." Read that again. Never let yourself be underserved, underestimated, or seen as undesirable. There is no substitute for you. So never let yourself be thought of as anything less than a prize, a grand adventure, and awesome. The right person will find you amazing, and it won't take a world of work to make them believe it. So jus

I absolutely adore Shel Silverstein. In fact, my latest nonsense project has been REreading Where The Sidewalk Ends, and giving my take on every poem by hand, writing my thoughts on every page. Yes, I am completely using my time appropriately, so stop asking. Maybe it is because there has been so much loss as of late. Maybe it's because I am a sucker for a memory? Maybe its just because. Maybe I feel my own mortality. I WANT to make my own mark. Let my kids know I do care? BE

The first kid was more of a hail Mary. I biologically wasn't supposed to have kids; without medical help that is. But, well you see, I got pregnant a month after our marriage. Legal on the books marriage, with a real adult wedding! I wasn't 16 and knocked up! When I told my parents? They had a response akin to me being 14 and on MTV, if you know, you know. If you want to share good news and be made to feel a failure, I have addresses you can write to. When I shared the news

If you don't know the reference, stop reading here. I am trying to teach my oldest how to drive while not dying of a heart attack in the process. Side note? Not easy. I remember my dad was the pick up guy. He would shuffle the beloved minivan from Jersey to the Big Ol' City to grab his only child. One day, after turning the correct age to get a drivers license, I was tossed the keys; out of nowhere. A teenage girl in a uniform, in NYC. Driving isn't quite my strong suit; but

I have spent this year largely in my own self sequestering. After he died, I felt broken. Like he was another project I couldn't fix. Another failed attempt at something I so eagerly tried, and in the end found myself drowning, with no lifeguard to save me, him, or us. Oddly, when I look back at all of my many jobs, they were all based on helping, with little to no return on my investment. One of which was coincidentally spending my youth as a lifeguard. At one point I had th

What happened to men? Like real actual men? Guys who court you? Flowers, dinners, drinks? When did coupling become grab assing? When did women start having to buy the drinks only for men to show up drink them, get what they want and leave? I absolutely can't deal with the immature men who think they are ready to sit at a table they haven't graduated to. Stick to the kids table. You have no place here. Especially when you were gifted instructions. Best of luck! Not here for it

I am on every DNA registry you can find. I caught the bug and wanted to know what I was. I am 100 percent not italian. My daughter is waiting for this to change. I am, however, 1 percent African. Go figure, that is epic, in my book at least. Every time we order pizza, or visit the one million Italian places to go and eat in New York? Where we live? Yep, still not Italian. Did I live in Italy? Yes. My bad. Yes, still not Italian. Not helpful for that whole we aren't Italian ar

Some people miss their windows. They miss their chances. They are stuck with their choices, and subsequently their realities. They see a good thing, and don't act, but wait. Well if you see something you want and don't act? It will be sold, to another bidder, one whom wanted it more. We are not dolls on shelves, we are women with lives. Your swan song can be just that, your pathetic begs. I am not here to hear your sob story, but for you to prove to me you want to hear mine.

I have forgotten teenage angst. I have forgotten happiness. I have forgotten who I was. I have forgotten what hormones feel like. I have forgotten companionship and friendships. I have forgotten laughter on way too many days. I have forgotten patience, within myself and others. I have forgotten the art of socializing. I don't truly care to leave my house. At times the sadness I feel so overwhelming and heavy; feeling paralyzed by the easiest of tasks that all I can do it sit.

Some days I am just not sure. Not sure how I woke up. Not sure how I am raising three kids mostly by myself. Not sure how I have done all of this alone. Sure, it's not impossible, or even important I suppose. But I need to acknowledgethat it is and has been tough. People live through way worse, and that does not go unnoticed by me. This is no woe is me. That said... I had a partner, and he left. Found another and he too, left. Both for different reasons. Now I am flying truly

My father was never a proponent of propane. That was too easy. And just like him? I like to be difficult. So when we grilled? We grilled. With charcoal. Weber baby. He explained it as an art. Something to be taught and trained in. It wasn't a turn it on and go, it was something to be studied. You have to make sure the coals are evenly distributed and that means you need to have one side higher, because that is where the heat will live, and where you need to start the cooking

My grandmother was the true definition of an enigma wrapped in a riddle. She had many names. Many spellings. But only one personality, charming. She would have been 105 today. Happy birthday to a brand of class the world openly recongnized, and one I fear will never see again. One I grew up with, whilst never understanding the magic I was in the presence of. She was just my grandmother. I grew up knowing a woman who was smart, silly and, savvy. I grew up knowing a matriarch.

Tomorrow it will be one year. But truly more like a year and a half. Once he got the diagnosis, it went by very fast. For him, I suppose that was a good thing, for me? Pure agony. But I was distracted by doctors visits, hospital visits, brain surgery and overall just taking care of him. I didn't have time to remember how he made me made my tea every morning. I didn't recall his biweekly runs to Costco to pick up everyone's favorites and gas. His tech expertise. Our weekly lun

He was my safe space. He was my person. He protected me. He was proactive for me. We fell into other like a perfect trap. But not caught; collected. Into each other. He protected me. I never felt lacking. Or wanting. I wasn't scared. If I was scared it was because he would leave. But he never did, he dug in. Meanwhile when the tumor got bigger he was scared I would leave. Yeah, never. He showed up stronger when I felt weak. Perhaps that's why I showed up ten times more than w

Recently the University of Tik Tok has been showing me many videos of people climbing Mt. Everest. First off I will share the following with you. I have done no official research, well because I have no plans EVER, to climb it. That said, it's like 4 months and 100 grand of your life on a mountain. No dollar tree close?! No Walmart?!? Did I mention I am deathly afraid of heights? Anyways, these videos I am seeing look like lines to get into the Knicks playoffs except at 8 tho

It's been almost a year. A year filled with too much loss, but a year I envision to be replaced with hope. The sadness replaced with smiles. The tradegy replaced with triumph, and the tears replaced with a new trajectory. I have taken a break from life. But I never let it slide away. I just got into my cocoon. While I patiently waited to become a butterfly. I think I am there. Or atleast I hope so. I guess the world will be my judge. Lord knows I have survived worse. I think