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  • cynthiafoustvenner

The Fall (Hint This Isn't About Picking Apples.)

Updated: Nov 10, 2023

At the end of July, I took a nasty spill.

I will let you all be the judges on how you want to brand it.

So before we start labeling "the fall," let me start at the top.

Woke up on a Sunday to go outside to get my daily newspaper delivery.

I know, I'm the last dinosaur that actually reads a paper copy of the news instead of Google, but anyways, back to my tale.

Upon returning through the door to put it where I always read it, on my kitchen counter, my memory gets a bit dusty.

Either I tripped over a dog, slipped on the kitchen floor, because when that floor is wet, it's more like splash mountain, than a place to prepare a delicious feast.

Or did I jump scare myself?

We'll never know.

Either way I was like the Titanic, going down, but my iceberg was quartzite.

And so fall head first I did, into my countertop.

If you need a visual of what this looked like,refer to the movie, American History X, and the infamous "Bite the curb" scene.

When I came to, I knew I was hurt, but there was just so much blood, and because I was so confused about the series of events that had literally just gone down, and as the 1950's housewife I had been raised to be, I just started to clean.

All the while with copious amounts blood coming from my mouth like I was Dracula himself.

When I eventually did go to a mirror, I saw what had occurred.

And it was horrifying.

My four teeth had gotten pulled away from my jaw and pushed backwards towards my throat, also a few were broken.

Side note, I did not star in Deliverance, but will identify as one of the actors if you see me out and about.

But what also happened, was that my bottom teeth went through my lower lip, nearly coming out the other side, and it didn't look good.

But ever the optimist that I am, I stubbornly held out on my couch for 12 hours bleeding out before I owned the fact that what I needed to do, was to go the hospital.

Once I arrived there, the doctor exclaimed why did you wait so long?

I declared, " as a salute to my mother."

She was a tough cookie.

If you knew her, stubborn isn't a strong enough word to describe her gusto.

But if truth be told, I needed those 12 hours to go on WebMD every 15 minutes to double check that if you break your face with a fall on quartzite, and it won't stop bleeding, what should you do?

Web MD told me that if after 15 minutes a face trauma won't stop bleeding, this summons for a case to got the ER.

But conversely, as we all know, the internet is a web of lies.

So I had to do my due diligence.

Maybe in the next 15 minutes, they would change their answer.

The web is shady like that.

Always changing answers and "updating."

Anyways, I go to the ER, holding a roll of paper towels on top of my mouth as not to scare the other seemingly NOT injured people as I bleed out before them, because I am just nice like that.

You're welcome.

The doctor stitched me up, and sent me on my merry way with the instructions to see a dentist.


I know I'm dumb, but not that dumb, I am ONLY dumb enough to waste 12 hours researching fucked up teeth and intense blood loss from the comfort of my couch.

Saw the dentist the next day who said I needed multiple root canals, and that she doesn't do those, so I needed to see a periodontist.

Ok another first for me, anyone have my medal?

So after getting my root canals done with dentist #2, I went back to the dentist #1 for my new teeth, but when she saw my lip she said I needed a maxoralf... anyways something that would have been hard for me to pronounce even before the fall, but they are a dental face surgeon, he will be called dentist #3.

I was informed by dentist #3 that the old stitches had to come out, because so much scar tissue had occurred it as catching my bottom teeth on it. So he would have to cut it out and 20 something new stitches I should be better...

But no promises.

He informed me that my fall had such a impact on my bottom lip, that I had permanently damaged the nerves on said bottom lip, and there would be places left with no feeling, but that I would get used to it.


Talking and eating are quite the feat these days.

Listen, this is me we are talking about, I go big or go home, or maybe if WebMd gives me an answer that I like, I may even venture to the hospital.

But I am not looking for any sympathy cards, oh hell no.

I'm here to share that this accident now has me identifying as a dentist.

Contact me with any dental concerns.

I still won't have real teeth until Christmas, but on the bright side Santa won't be giving me just 2 front teeth, he's getting me all 4 front teeth!

How lucky am I?!?

Thanks Santa!

So the moral of the story here is, don't feel bad for Cynthia, listen I have 3 new highly paid friends.

The moral here is quite simply, never subscribe to a goddamn, motherfucking, newspaper.

And may you knowledge that, and may that be my gift to you.

Now excuse me as I have to see one of my three new best friends, whom I refer to collectively, as "The Dentists."

To quote the Grateful Dead, what a long strange trip (fall) it's been.

It just occurred to me that I should ask for a family discount from all of them, anyways, BRB.



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