Hugs.

As my son is in quarantine yet once again, he came downstairs with a look that has become all too familiar.

He just broke down and said, "I miss her so much."

He wailed.

"She would have listened. I miss our talks."

"I have a million tears inside, even when I am happy."

I have no idea how I have produced such a profound human.

All I could do is hug him in between my own tears. All I can do is apologize for a life I could have never promised him. A life I never anticipated.

Say I am sorry for things I didn't do, couldn't control, don't own.

I held him so tight and promised to never let go, knowing full well I would let him go. Knowing this would not be his last time being hurt. Being scared. Facing the unknown.

Knowing this pain would be the tip of the iceberg. That he would face more. But that I would never let on.

I told him I was his safe place. His harbor. Knowing that was all I could offer. Hoping that would be enough. Trying.

Hoping I would be enough.

Knowing I had to be enough.

Loving him in all that I could offer at that moment, which meant hugs.

Holding him as tightly as I could.

Parenting is hard. Parenting without a parent.

Harder.

Xoxo,

C.