If you only have one hour left to live, go to your local supermarket, and try ordering some cold cuts.
I GUARANTEE it will feel like five years.
It doesn't matter what deli counter you visit, or what state, it is a painstakingly slow experience.
I have a big hunch they all go to the same training facility, which I have a sneaking suspicion, is in the Caribbean somewhere since they all seem to be stuck on, "Island Time."
There is no sense of hurry.
Of making haste.
In fact today, I stood silently and politely, as the deli worker looked straight at me, the ONLY one at the counter, and proceeded to slice one pound of ham, without the slightest care in the world as I watched.
He did this to hand it over to another worker, who was stocking the prepared deli meats, of which selections provided, I needed none, of course.
Actually this is what really went down.
I watched deli worker who sliced, hand it over to another deli worker, I will call him, the middleman, to yet the third deli worker, the stocker, who was artfully and painstakingly slowly putting each individual packet in it's slot.
Just so you know, there was approximately ten feet from employee one "slicer" to employee three "stocker".
I swear you would have thought their job was more important than stacking sandbags for the hurricane of the fucking century.
How many deli workers does it take to stock a case?
I now know the answer is 3.
Meanwhile little ol' me just wanted some goddamn roast beef.
I waited FIFTEEN minutes for 1/2 lb of roast beef which didn't even reach 1/2 lb because with every slice he cut, he needed to move it to the scale, which I swear he did probably 8 times, and after he reached 1/3 I declared that was fine because I was so annoyed at this point and just wanted to get on with the rest of my errands.
By the way why the slicer manufacturers have not figured out how to install a scale ON the actual machine is beyond me.
Someone out there, please get on this.
In an age where when I go shopping I have become the customer, and also the employee, because I have to check myself out.
And as I am on the subject, shouldn't I be eligible for an employee discount?
Anywho, I would love to have access behind the counter to just go and cut what I want and gfto outta there.
Does this exist?
Ok it doesn't, and for good reason. I have seen who population consists of, and know all too well a lot of fingers would be sacrificed.
But the next best thing will be the Cynthia School of Slicing.
A 101 for deli workers.
Came up with the idea today.
It's genius I know, I am blushing as I hear all of you say, 'why the hell did I not think of that!'
Let's all get on board with this.
I am currently accepting applications.
Spread the word.
Xoxo,
C.
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