Taking It Back.

After a decade of taking care of everyone else, I have made the decision that I am going to finally take care of me.

I am going to take my life back.

I need to own my tender heart again, and not let others control it.

I want to let go of my anger. My hurt. My sadness.

I am going to try and choose happiness.

This will not be easy, but a process. Just like so much else these days.

I am going to try and not be so reactionary, I want to become more guarded. Try and not have such knee jerk reactions. Try to use the power of silence.

Be better.

For too long I have gone unnoticed unless I lost my cool. Being flagrant had become my language to try and garner attention. Yelling and being angry was my way of saying I am right here! Pay attention to me! Love me! Value me!

As my world was crashing down all around me, my temper, my outbursts, became more frequent. I looked in the mirror and hated what I had become, I was better than this. I was not crazy, I was hurting, angry. I was being treated as unremarkable. I had been emotionally abandoned. I had become unloved. I wasn't being seen and valued. I just didn't realize it.

I must choose happiness going forward. I must make peace with my mistakes. I have to forgive myself for what has unraveled. For what I have done. Things I have said.

I must go forward and be my best self.

I have to let go.

I have to commit to this undertaking.

I need to make ME the priority. I have to rid my heart of madness, resentment, and hurt. I need to pay attention to me.

I need to OWN my feelings again.

Only I can heal myself. Only I can choose how I react. I will have to remind myself of this daily.

I will not return to the behavior that broke me, that nearly destroyed me. Which ate away at my psyche for years. Which manifested me into my worst self.

I need to close that door.

I am choosing a new door.

A better one, with a better me behind it.

One who remembers she too deserves to be cared for and loved. One that says I will be heard and felt without yelling. One that says I will no longer even need to scream because my needs are being met. One who will refuse to be ignored because she is so fantastic, no one can look away. One who will use her voice for good. One who will be happy.

So I will take myself back, my emotions, and my feelings.

It won't be unchallenging, but nothing in life that is worth it, is.

I am worth it.

So are you.

Xoxo,

C.