Priorities.

As I look back to move forward, I realize I was never a priority. I was along for the ride. At his mercy. At his dictation.

Engaging on his timeline, his schedule, his wants and needs.

All the while I was alone. No wonder I was angry, I was in a relationship by myself.

In the interim I was trying to juggle 3 kids and a Mother who was relentless in her own pursuits, with no regard for consequence, or me.

I wasn't his prime concern. I was convenience. A babysitter, cook, housekeeper, chauffeur, decorator, medic, accountant.

I was the one accountable, responsible.

I went unnoticed. Unappreciated, unheard, even resented.

How dare I share MY needs. MY wants. MY feelings. MY opinions.

No wonder I harbored so much fury. I was not adored and admired, I was passed over. Taken for granted. Looked straight through.

A means to an end.

All of my contributions taken for granted, expected and unappreciated.

Meanwhile, my emotions, and need for validation were being completely ignored, day after day, only fueling this deep sadness, which presented itself as rage.

Feeling like I was going insane. Asking for too much.

All I wanted was to be truly loved.

This hamster wheel, day in and day out of never feeling valued, important, a priority, attractive, treasured.

Being given a small glimpse that I mattered, only to have it stolen back. Pulled in, only to be pushed away.

No wonder I was constantly irate, ready to boil over at a moments notice. Starting off nice trying to explain myself, and constantly ending with hurling any insults I could when he refused to listen.

Tried to quiet me. Minimize my feelings. Being told I was not important.

I was being irrational, crazy.

What I really wanted though, was for him to notice me, hear me, see me, feel me.

ACKNOWLEDGE ME.

The fury of needing to be loved, validated and to feel important to him.

To be his priority.

Especially after the loss of my Mother. I begged.

And yet, I felt none of these things. I felt alone. I realized I was alone. I was not his priority, not even close. I never was.

I was made to feel bad, worse, substandard.

I was being the issue.

My feelings were being grated away, day after day.

My thoughts excused, just like me. Over and over and over. Dismissed.

Until I was a shell of myself. Empty. Gone. Vanished.

I had depreciated and I began to believe I was inconsequential.

Unattractive. Unworthy. Unloved. Insane. Unimportant.

I had let myself fall victim and I hadn't even realized it.

Now I need to take it back.

Xoxo,

C.