Not Ready.

In all brutal honesty, I am not ready to be parentless.

Some days being so much more difficult, than others.

Today was one of them.

I found myself so utterly sad.

I watched a documentary about girls searching for their birth parents, as they had been adopted.

And all of a sudden my cheeks were saturated with wetness.

Thinking how I had my chance with my parents.

And now that time was over.

I had found them, and I had lost them.

Still finding myself raw on certain days, the emotions always directly under the surface, waiting to erupt at any moment.

The triggers almost always, unforeseen.

Today finding myself feeling completely robbed of creating more memories.

Receiving guidance.

Losing their unconditional love.

Support.

Fluctuating between gratitude with what I had, and outrage with what I will never get again.

Sadness and smiles.

Feeling so utterly conflicted about what I have been through.

Knowing that I have become stronger, but asking why it had to come at such an awful price.

Why couldn't my lessons have been taught in a manner that wasn't as debilitating.

As lonely.

As polarizing.

Being sequestered in sorrow.

Facing these extreme challenges in solitude, while trying to have an about face for my kids.

Having more than one day where I didn't think I would be able to get out of bed.

Wanting so badly to bury my head in the sand, and pretend none of what was happening, was ACTUALLY happening.

Wanting to wake up from the worst dream I have yet to ever have, only to remember, I wasn't dreaming.

This was my life now.

Trying to be as positive as I could be.

Understanding, it can be worse, even when I don't want to.

Seeing my kids struggling and feeling the exact same way, but pretending I know what I am doing, with a forced smile.

Yet having not a clue.

Being strong for them, when all I want, is someone to be strong for me.

Just because we go forward, doesn't mean we still don't trip.

That we won't have those days where we sway and stagger.

Perhaps even fall.

Flat on our faces.

But what does help, is to talk about it.

Even if not to one person, but anyone who cares to read.

So that is what I did today.

Didn't have such a great day, but I am human.

And I am coming to see that is perfectly ok.

Because as humans we are allowed to have bad days.

Yet I also recognize that I will have great ones.

Xoxo,

C.