As I have begun this weird and crazy journey post both parent death, post marriage dissolution, I have been reminded of all those who have felt I am so strong, they no longer need to check in.
No longer need to worry about me.
Feel I must be strong enough to stand alone.
I assume, that they suppose, and that they have the confidence, I am ok.
Correction, they clearly must know I am.
Or else they may wonder about how I am.
So I have to take the position that..
They must be thinking, I am not only ok, I am conquering.
Owning.
Or perhaps, they are so scared I am drowning, they don't want to know.
Happier not knowing.
Pretending.
Looking away.
Either way, it's telling.
It is very informative about how people react during a crisis.
It is very telling how you are treated when you are wounded. And telling about those who treat you.
The way you are treated when in a panic, says more about others, than you.
And what I have realized, is that it is ok.
I can not be troubled by those who felt burdened by me.
I can't hinge myself or weigh myself by those who have never traveled my path, felt my pain, endured my journey.
What I can do, is embrace those who have stuck it out.
Had the compassion and empathy I needed.
Realized that I am less than perfect, but I am enough.
Understand that I am doing my best, in a circumstance that has dealt me the worst.
I will never be the same.
How could I?
My whole world has collapsed.
But yet I have been rebuilt.
Better.
Stronger.
Wiser.
Hopeful the world will see that as well.
In the mean time, I keep those who have stayed the course, close.
I keep those who have truly stuck it out, closer.
Xoxo,
C.
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