New Beginnings.

It takes courage to feel like you are worthy again.

It also takes a tremendous amount of encouragement.

After years of being told no one would want to deal with me, I began to believe it. That belief fueling an even deeper rage, with disappointment in myself.

I began to lose faith in myself.

I started to become blind as to why and how I had become what I had, and it wasn't because I was predisposed, in fact I had become gaslit and not even realized. I had been spun around so many times I wasn't sure what was the truth and what was fiction.

I bought into a narrative that had been carefully orchestrated.

I had become a star in a movie I had not written.

And I took the role so willingly I didn't even realize it.

And not only did I take it, I ran with it.

To the point where I had diminished my own worth, without even noticing.

My reputation destroyed at my very own hands.

Filled with shame about who I thought I was. Who I was destined to become.

The message reinforced day in and day out about my awfulness, my atrocious self. The vileness.

Now I am filled with truth.

The actuality being, that if one person is so selfish, it becomes impossible for them to be selfless.

It takes selflessness on both parts to create something that can last.

It takes honesty, compassion and empathy.

Not emptiness. Not blame. Not excuses.

There is no alibi to compensate.

Not a desire to only fulfill yourself.

Selfishness can only mask itself for so long before its truth is revealed in all it's repulsiveness.

The anger I possessed, with the authenticity, finally vindicated.

Just redefined. Found in context now.

The understanding that people will put up with me.

Adore me. Respect me.

That my needs were not met, and that I wasn't asking for too much, I was asking the wrong person.

The confidence to know now, that my actions were merely reactions.

You are always enough.

You aren't asking for too much to be heard, loved, understood, appreciated, valued.

Never feel diminished. Never allow a decrease. Do not permit explanations of what can and should never be clarified.

And at the end of it all, never authorize your views, feelings and thoughts to be compromised.

The truth is this, if it matters to you, and you matter to them, it will matter to them as well.

Plain and simple.

It is amazingly that easy.

I wish I had known this sooner.

Xoxo,

C.