Kids Today Are Soft.

I was watching a movie with my youngest tonight, when she mentioned something about the Mother in the movie, and how she was lucky I wasn't mean like the "movie mom."

I said you guys have NO idea how lucky you have it, as I proceeded to recall a story about the one time I accidentally threw away my retainer at a Chinese restaurant, while eating with my friends in Middle School.

As I recanted the story, I also remembered I had thrown away a cast at the very same restaurant when I broke my thumb.

I know at this point I am raising a plethora of questions for all of you, but I don't have the time to answer them at this junction.

I guess clearly in my middle school mind, their food was so good, I was happy to throw away anything on their trays after I was done eating.

Anyways, I came home and told my Mom.

If you doubt for one second, that she barked at me to get in the car, because we were going back to said Chinese restaurant, you never met the woman.

So while we drove there, and I sat in the car for those three minutes, it felt like I had been on the drive for well over an hour.

HOW COULD YOU?!?

DO YOU KNOW HOW EXSPENSIVE THOSE ARE?!

DO YOU NOT LOOK AT WHAT YOU ARE THROWING AWAY?!?

I CAN"T BELIEVE YOU!

To which I foolishly made the statement, "well just because we find it, doesn't mean I can use it again."

Well next thing you know, I am teleported into the restaurant, with my mother telling the staff we need that days garbage.

I don't know who was more scared, me, or the employees.

After my mother pointed to the garbage several times, the language barrier was broken, and she had them take out two very full bags of garbage for us to begin our CSI voyage.

In my head, my seventh grade self said, "oh fuck", too many times to count.

But next thing you know, I was elbow deep in eggroll ends, and pork fried rice leftovers.

I soon found myself praying that the next thing I touched in the abyss, would be this goddamn retainer.

God answered, but not until I had touched practically everything in that SECOND bag.

I might have thrown up if I wasn't so scared.

But alas, the needle in the haystack revealed itself.

I thought to myself, ok, you punished me.

I had to look through two huge bags of garbage to find it, but she certainly wasn't going to make me use it again.

And once again, I would be wrong.

It's like I never lived with the woman.

During the course of the hunt, the smell of Chinese food had made me develop amnesia.

The scent of soy sauce had made me forgotten that this is the same woman who marched me up to a random woman while shopping, and said, "This is why you close your mouth while you eat gum. So you don't look like a cow chewing cud"

The woman who didn't possess a filter.

The woman would look you right in the face, and call you the wrong name, with conviction.

So after my tour of shame, we went home where she washed that retainer off with mere dish soap, and said, now put that back in.

GTFO.

That was what was on loop in my head.

Did it get Ebola? Syphilis? Herpes?

Who knows WTF was sharing my retainers space within that black hole.

But my mother?

Zero fucks given.

Put it in NOW, she commanded like Moses parting the Red Sea.

And because my mom scared the crap out of me, I put that sucker right back in even though it tasted like Fried Wontons and General Tso's.

Kids today are too soft.

Too whiney.

We need to bring it back old school every once in a while.

So if my kids ever get a retainer and lose it, you can bet your ass I will be dragging them back to wherever it is they lost it, to make sure that even if they don't find, they will remember never to do it again.

Side note, when I threw away my thumb cast at the very same restaurant and was subjected to garbage picking, it was prior to retainer gate, and clearly a thumb cast doesn't go in your mouth, so the first lesson got mottled.

But trust me, I never lost that retainer again.

What also didn't get lost on me, was a mom who didn't put up with bullshit.

And trust me, I tried to serve it to her every way possible to no avail.

So to all those tough mothers out there I salute you.

As my mom always said, "it's easier to be a friend than a mother."

Yep, she was always right.

Even if the delivery a bit archaic.

Cheers to never losing a retainer.

Or at least not losing one with my mom as your mother.

Wink Wink.

Xoxo,

C.