Hope Springs Eternal.

There is something about winter, the cold, how it gets darker earlier, that lends itself to making this time of year depressing. Add in a pandemic? Forget it. Dealing with loss? Holy shit.

Is there such a thing as a Christmas miracle?

I hope so. I have so many Christmas wishes. So much hope for a miracle.

I can't bring back my Dad, or my Mom, but I can bring back hope, I can still believe there are better things in store.

If it weren't for my kids, I wouldn't have even put up a tree. Instead of listening to Mariah Carey I have been listening to Radiohead.

I feel anything but Merry, but I have hope. Hope that things can turn around. That perhaps I got lost, or maybe even given the wrong map. As I travel though, I am finding out a lot about myself. As I hope to find my right path, I am findings others. As I travel wearily through this life I am finding inn keepers, who cheer me to move forward. I have found help in the oddest of places. I am seeing the beauty in things I hadn't noticed. I am realizing I am stronger than even I had thought.

I am beginning to see the forest through the trees.

As I think about this upcoming holiday I am heartbroken, for so many reasons.

I am restless. I am not sure why I have been chosen to take such a sad journey. But I carry on, hopeful.

They say everything happens for a reason. I am still not quite sure what those reasons are.

If it was to break me, it has happened.

If it was to rip my heart out, it was a success.

If it was for me to feel lower than low, then I applaud you.

So while this is going to be a very different Christmas, I realize I am not alone. I have been given a gift.

A gift of appreciation for all that I have, and hope for all I will become.

Christmas day, I am going to make my Mom's traditional prime rib with her potatoes, but this year, I will actually miss her yelling at me that I am doing it wrong.

This year I will miss a lot.

So while it would be easy for me to remember all that I have lost, I am going to try and have hope.

Hope that this journey will bring me wherever in this life I need to be. Hope that I was chosen to have these events happen to make me better. Hope that after all this is over, I will feel whole.

I still believe in Christmas miracles.

We should all have hope and believe in miracles.

Merry Christmas.

Xoxo,

C.