I am bewildered and confused by these past few months, and how, in general, this past year has played out.
I am hurt.
I am in awe.
Knowing full well that, with the separation of a couple, comes a division of assets.
Time.
Friendships.
Families.
Physical property.
Emotional stability.
The reality showing itself, that nothing is what it seems.
Or what you had pondered.
People are not who you thought.
Finding that, you are left to advocate for yourself.
The sad actuality, knowing you always had to.
Seeing a new truth in all its vileness.
Seeing peoples true colors.
Experiencing pain, sorrow, and trauma all over again, but this time, with the living.
This new reality serving as the opposite of an oasis.
More like a living hell.
Everyone seeming to understand what you are going through.
Knowing damn well, none of them have the slightest clue.
Trying to behave as if none of this bothers you.
But inside devastated.
Wondering what you have done to deserve so much pain.
What went wrong?
Overtime, seeing that you've done nothing, except reach out in pain, and ask for help.
To stop this train that is going at 300 mph.
Asking to be heard.
Hugged.
Seen.
Only to be rebuffed.
Seeing people who, had claimed to play a role in your life, running for cover when they felt overwhelmed.
In the name of courage and honor.
Running so far away, they were gone.
The despair and sadness that comes with that abandonment.
The hope that one day they will see, I never deserved this treatment.
I was loyal.
I invested.
I cared.
I loved.
I was mistreated.
I was judged.
I was in pain and hurting.
People assuming they knew the truth, how I should feel.
Thinking they knew what I felt.
Deciding they knew what was wrong, and how I should handle it.
All the while they hadn't a clue.
They were all wrong.
They still are.
Xoxo,
C.
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