Checked Out.

Once my Mother died, the veil lifted.

After years of feeling torn in a million directions, I checked back into my marriage, only to find out that my husband had checked out years ago, and I had not even noticed.

It was so subtle, but my gut knew.

My gut knew years prior, but I could not put my finger on it. I was so angry, so hurt, but I couldn't figure out why.

I was unloved.

For years I was angry with my Mother. I was furious actually, and once she died I was still angry, and resentful, but I couldn't figure out why.

I had been unloved for a long time.

That's when it dawned on me. I had not been loved in years. I wasn't cherished, I was convenient. He had been present, but not with emotion.

I had been so busy taking care of everyone and everything I had not noticed, I was not loved. In fact, I was despised. The signals were everywhere, and I had been blind.

My feeble attempts to be noticed were not only ignored, rebuffed.

No wonder why I was indignant.

I was in love with someone who didn't love me, and hadn't in a very long time.

This realization has left me devastated, broken, crying, crushed.

But I can't change the past.

As much as I want to, what's done is done.

I have to savor today, and pray for a better tomorrow.

I have to love me. Broken me, sad me, needs to be loved again.

So I will. I have to.

Xoxo,

C.