Help.

It is amazing how crazy asking for a helping hand, or for a friend, when in a time of need, can land on beyond deaf ears.

Or crazier yet people know you are drowning and just watch.

It is even more bat shit crazy when they do see it, lend and gice advice on a situation they have never yet encountered and walk away, like they did YOU a favor.

So when you dont take their stupid or sage advice because they have no clue what you are going through; to the point you ignore it, and then they henceforth ignore you, leaving you high and dry; its a shit show.

I believe weatherpeople call it a perfect storm.

Anyways...

They ghost you.

Punch me in the face twice.

I have bent a knee on my way on many occasions and to many people, asking them for help.

But help looks like a lot of different things.

In essence begging or asking for a friends help is me asking for an ear, perhaps not advice, but just to listen.

Let me also say, that I dont say I need any assistance easily.

I have been boastful to a fault about trying to figure out my own problems, and not reaching out to anyone, really ever.

I have faced my situations, solo.

To ask people hear out a girl who lost both her parents and her partner by the age of 40, and friends who decided to dole out advice and leave her with emails during a pandemic???!!!???

With three kids?!?!?

Flying solo?!?!

I didn't have much of a choice.

But I never have.

I was raised to not be a burden, but an asset.

I am over opinions and fresh up on owners.

Owners of friendships.

Owners of assets like their kids.

I am also owning the fact that I done with people.

so

I did what I do best, I just buckled up and beared down.

I took care of what needed to be done.

So yeah ok I got silent quickly.

But I got the job done.

So after that debacle?

Yeah.

Then 6 months later to meet someone wonderful?

And when I shared the news he had proposed?

YEAH these same people whom were skeptical and judging me?

No congratulations .

More judgements.

No surprises.

More bullshit and more crap that left me to feel like nothing.

But for nearly 5 years we had bliss.

We had us.

Only to be stolen by brain cancer after nearly what I thought would be my forever.

With or without judgement .

However, I am once again finding myself taking care of everything alone.

Solo.

So many 911 calls.

So many hospital and doctors visits .

I have many degrees but now hospice nurse?

A very new role, one I despised for obvious reasons.

I guess what I am getting at, is that I dont get people.

I don't understand their compassion, or lack thereof.

They scatter like cockraches when a light gets turned on.

I don't see how asking for help is met with a mere I'm sorry, or turns into me getting advice for a situation they have never faced, and also one where I never asked.

Yeah no.

That said, I also see why humanity has fallen into being the piece of shit it is.

Last one in lock the door.

No one wants your real sorrow or your true problems.

They want happy.

And if that isn't you, leave the room.

And if they can bark advice?

Have at it, because please know, they will.

You may have lost your plus one.

I see that now.

But not to worry, I will still be in the corner waiting for my dance card to be filled, no matter the diagnosis, or opinion, or advice.

I will just happily have the courage to allow myself the choice to take it, or not.

I will always try and be "aboard."

Happy dancing.

Xoxo,

C.