Raw.

Life for me this year has seemed to kick me when I am down, AGAIN and AGAIN.

Just when I think things can't get any worse, God seems to say, hold my beer.

I have been given a SHIT TON of lemons this year, and quite frankly,

I am DONE making lemonade.

Why are we supposed to have to have a rosey disposition when things suck.

Why do we have to turn that frown upside down? Look at that glass as half full.

I am sick of pretending things are ok.

It's ok to be SAD.

Why can't we let bad events just suck?

Why can't we let the shit settle and roll around in it for a bit?

Let it hit us in the face.

I am managing a house, 3 kids and a beast of a dog. I have been trying my best to keep on smiling, but recently, my kids have seen me at my worst, openly sobbing as my body convulses. My head in my hands, bent over, wailing.

I am raw. Emotionally spent. Tired.

To feel is human. We can't always be happy, life is messy

In fact, life can be really fucking sad.

Sometimes life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, sometimes its about learning to dance in the rain.

Sometimes it's just learning to sit down and let that water drench you.

Soak you, Penetrate you. Wash you,

Sometimes we have to live in the mess, and let it wash over us. Sometimes we need to live in these dark moments, so that when the sun does come out, we bask in its glory, with even more abandon than before.

I lost my Mom this year.

I have lost a lot this year, and I don't have to be ok with any of it.

My husband decided to announce during all of this that he doesn't love me anymore, and has effectively moved out.

Yes, in the middle of a pandemic, on top of everything else.

So here I am with 3 kids in a storm I never thought possible..

It reminds me of the time I was skiing in Zermatt. The huge gusts of wind started blowing so hard everyone had to turn sideways and crouch to not get blown off the mountain.

Sometimes we need to lie down to survive.

Alone in the worst storm of my life, I need to lie down.

So for now I am done making lemonade.

I am letting the events of this past year take over.

I am looking at this awful shit storm that has invaded my life. And I wait. I sit. I lay down.

Letting my self get saturated. Sitting there staring at the storm clouds, and drinking up all those drops. Hoping that the water cleanses me, and wipes me clean so I am ready for the next chapter.

I am rolling in the shit.

I am convinced that once this is all over, my ray of sun will be blinding.

I can't wait to be able to appreciate every fucking second.

I also can't wait to finally be appreciated and appreciate.

I motherfucking deserve it.

Xoxo,

C.