LOST.

The other day I stopped to see my father.

I saw his name on the wall, touched it, and lost it.

What started as a few isolated tears, quickly turned into a deluge by the time I arrived back at my car.

It has been 12 years since his death, but the other day it felt fresh.

Recent.

It has been 2 and a half years since my mother passed, but the other day I felt like I was reliving their losses all over again.

The world came crashing in.

The reality of my life shouting at me, screaming at me, and I cried.

Heavy, heaving, ugly, excessive tears.

So many tears, it felt as if I was trying to wash away all the pain.

The excruciating hurt of all that I have lost.

The deaths, the losses, the relationships, the friendships, the partnerships.

Gone.

All gone.

Leaving me to figure out how it all happened, and why.

Had I been an awful person?

How did I end up a pariah?

I loved.

I tried.

Tried to save everyone, meanwhile the one person who needed saving the most, was me, and I hadn't even realized it.

In trying to do everything for everyone else, the person who was slipping further under the surface was me.

Seeing my dad's name on that wall just brought it all to a head.

Knowing that Father's Day is coming up, and subsequently, his birthday.

Being reminded that these two days will be the 12th ones in which he will not be able to celebrate.

The prompt of seeing his name on that wall, showing me the way to a period of self reflection that stung.

I didn't do anything wrong.

I did my best.

But to have my parents back for just a minute, for advice, support, accolades, anything, would be nice.

Truthfully, glorious.

As an only child I was raised by my parents to be strong and independent, yet I know their own eyes would spill over, if they saw how many have abandoned me.

For them to see what my current situation was.

I know their hearts would ache as much as mine to see what has befallen unto their only child.

What I have been through.

To just have them to tell me it will be OK.

That I will be OK, immeasurable.

Sometimes life forces you to take stock.

And the other day I did, and it made me feel incredibly disconsolate.

But that is OK, and onward I go.

Xoxo,

C.